Oprah Winfrey Announces Every American Wins Iowa

Last night’s Iowa Caucus blunder has left many wondering just what the heck is going on.  In fact, an Iowa farmer was overheard saying “what the heck is going on?”

With Democratic hope slipping away, Oprah Winfrey stepped up in unprecedented fashion announcing every American has won Iowa.

When asked about this, Bernie Sanders said “this does not fit with the socialist agenda” leaving his supporters even more confused.

In unrelated news, 300 million people are expected to attend the tonight’s State of the Union Address.

Adam Schiff 23andMe Results Date Back To Adam And Eve

As impeachment votes loom, California Rep. Adam Schiff‘s 23andMe results are in.

The furthest back his DNA links is to some sort of lying snake some 5,000 years ago.

Scientists say that although this may seem strange they are “not surprised.”

Democrats seem excited as they feel they can use this as proof of evolution.

But has Mr. Schiff evolved?

 

Bear In Motel Lobby Angry It Had To Make Waffles

Recently in Colorado, a bear walked into the lobby of a motel.

The bear quickly became irate when he realized he had to make his own waffles.

Upon check-in, guests are now given one can of bear spray, a shotgun and a hunting license.

 

Senator Mitch McConnell Set to Vote Against Impeachment While His Third Chin Is Not So Sure

Republican Senator Mitch McConnell has made it clear he believes impeachment attempts by Democrats against President Donald Trump is a “sham” and he’s voting against it.

But when asked, McConnell’s third chin says it “isn’t so sure.” It then gobbled.

Will Senator McConnell give in to his third chin?  We shall see.

Nancy Pelosi Unveils Port-O-Confessional

Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi recently snapped at a reporter when asked if she hates President Trump.  Pelosi said she takes her Catholic faith serious and hates no one.

She then unveiled the key to her success in being the perfect Catholic: Port-O-Confessional.

“This is perfect for any Catholic in my line of work, or any line of work, that requires lying, cheating, spying and the occasional homicide.”

Her “subordinates” say she’s in there at least five times a day, but it’s unclear if she’s in there to confess or simply relieve herself as the Port-O-Confess has a convenient multi-use.